John 8:32 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." NIV

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I'm baaaaack!

I know you have missed me. I was gone. Mentally. It wasn't pretty.

Maybe it was the weather. Maybe. Probably not. Although I LOVE hot weather... love to have my skin bake in the sun as I am sweating profusely... it has been a mild winter here in MD. Yes, we have days where it is so cold, your eyes water and your spine aches, but yesterday it was in the 50s, sort of breezy, but so NOT typical January weather.

Maybe I am just coming off of a post training funk because I tanked my HIM. Maybe. Yes, I confess it is TRUE that I withdrew from my HIM scheduled for June. I took the financial hit. Incurred the exit fees. Why? Well, it was a combination of fear and peer pressure. The fear part was simple: I was afraid to compete in the HIM by myself. My Tri Clubers had decided on a different race... and no one I knew well was doing it. I freaked out. The peer pressure part was that they ALL (like 6) were doing the one in May that I *had* debated. I decided against it because it is HILLY; it is early in the season, it is HILLY, and did I mention it was hilly. I still haven't registered for it. I was waiting for my refund from the June race to come (btw: the exit fee plus new race entrance fee = same amount, so it seemed reasonable). Refund came... and I still haven't registered. I may or may not become a HIMer this year because I need to decide WHY I was even attempting it in the first place.

Maybe it was...

Actually, I KNOW what it was. I have allowed other's opinions to seep into my soul and crush my spirits. I have allowed their negativity to breed inside me. I have allowed their jealousy and hatred to make me questioned my abilities, my actions, my being.

I can use humor to diffuse a situation, play it off so they don't know it bothers me, but later... later, is when I question. I stopped eating. I started working out twice as much and twice as hard. I lost 8lbs in one week. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't good. Confession: today my size 2P pants are too big and my XS belt isn't help. NOT GOOD!

But I am BACK! I have been training but it wasn't smart. I decided that I am ready to move pass this. I have sulked enough. And what better way to get back at these negative forces but by:
PROVING THEM ALL WRONG!

4 comments:

TMB @ RACING WITH BABES said...

Hugs! You have to do what's right for you. And when you are ready, we can race 70.3 together.

Pam said...

Do it if YOU want to--not to prove anything to anyone else.

And for the love of Pete, eat a doughnut!

Rene' said...

I am glad that you are back. I have been worried about you. Jen....you will do the HIM when and if you want to. Don't let others plant seed of doubt in your head. You are to wonderful, inspirational and confident person to do that. You got to where you are because you worked hard and earned it.
Now...like Pam said "eat a doughnut!"

awdpollard said...

Atta girl.....you know what to do and how to do it...listen to your gut!