I have been disillusioned lately; I haven't been myself. Distracted for sure and since I am my own worst critic, it has left me mentally defeated.
I rely on myself, mostly (and God). I started training for the marathon a year ago on a whim. A goal that I felt would culminate my weight loss experience. Some have called my experience a selfish journey as training takes a lot of time away from my family. But I see a better me. I FEEL better. I think I relied on myself because if I failed or was disappointed, I am the one to blame. Taking these risks could wound me, but also make me stronger. Bob entered the picture that early morning in May and I have to say has NEVER let me down.
I tend to see the good in people, but ultimately, that left me hurt and stunned. To protect myself from this, I learned very early not to *keep* many friends. Without a large number of friends no one could let me down... but in fact what I created was epically worse. When those few friends do/did let me down, I was devastated. It took me months if not years to get over it. Over the last few years, my list of friends grew and as I changed my life, some friends dropped off the planet (literally not returning my phone calls, avoiding me in the grocery store, etc.), some moved on as our kids went to different schools, and some remained steadfast. Once again, I find my list getting smaller. And the few friends that I do have... I have placed too much pressure on them... and they do not even know it.
I feel disappointed in myself because I expect too much from these friends. And I tend to smother them... and as soon as I do it, I kick myself. I have been honest with them - I tell them up front that I have a tendency to smother and to let me know; but when they do I'm hurt. I'm afraid I have lost them for good. The true friends have remained though. They love me anyway.
But do you know what? Friends that I have NEVER met lift me. Reading the comments from yesterday's post made me feel assured, loved and supported. How is that? You have never let me down. Maybe I don't put all this pressure on you, and it is really hard to smother you through blog world; but I was amazed at how your comments made me stand taller, smile bigger, and regain the confidence that I once had. You get it... and get ME!
ONLY 13.1 miles. I CAN do this in my sleep. I HAVE ran many long runs at a 8:30 pace. I have NEVER raced a half marathon, so any finish time is a PR.
So the disappointment in myself for lacking the confidence to go forth, that has created sleepless nights has passed. I am READY... to concentrate on more important things: the RACE OUTFIT!
What is holding you back from awesomeness???