John 8:32 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." NIV

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Disillusioned. Distracted. Defeated.

Synonyms for disappointed (yeah, I Googled it). This post is going to be all over the place because that is how my mind is working these days. There are many things that have disappointed me in my life. And lately, those disappointments have been weighing heavy on my heart. And after having three sleepless nights, ultimately the person I was most disappointed in is ME!

I have been disillusioned lately; I haven't been myself. Distracted for sure and since I am my own worst critic, it has left me mentally defeated.

I rely on myself, mostly (and God). I started training for the marathon a year ago on a whim. A goal that I felt would culminate my weight loss experience. Some have called my experience a selfish journey as training takes a lot of time away from my family. But I see a better me. I FEEL better.  I think I relied on myself because if I failed or was disappointed, I am the one to blame. Taking these risks could wound me, but also make me stronger. Bob entered the picture that early morning in May and I have to say has NEVER let me down.

I tend to see the good in people, but ultimately, that left me hurt and stunned. To protect myself from this, I learned very early not to *keep* many friends. Without a large number of friends no one could let me down... but in fact what I created was epically worse. When those few friends do/did let me down, I was devastated. It took me months if not years to get over it. Over the last few years, my list of friends grew and as I changed my life, some friends dropped off the planet (literally not returning my phone calls, avoiding me in the grocery store, etc.), some moved on as our kids went to different schools, and some remained steadfast. Once again, I find my list getting smaller. And the few friends that I do have... I have placed too much pressure on them... and they do not even know it.

I feel disappointed in myself because I expect too much from these friends. And I tend to smother them... and as soon as I do it, I kick myself. I have been honest with them - I tell them up front that I have a tendency to smother and to let me know; but when they do I'm hurt. I'm afraid I have lost them for good. The true friends have remained though. They love me anyway.

But do you know what? Friends that I have NEVER met lift me. Reading the comments from yesterday's post made me feel assured, loved and supported. How is that? You have never let me down. Maybe I don't put all this pressure on you, and it is really hard to smother you through blog world; but I was amazed at how your comments made me stand taller, smile bigger, and regain the confidence that I once had. You get it... and get ME!

It is ONLY 13.1 miles. I CAN do this in my sleep. I HAVE ran many long runs at a 8:30 pace. I have NEVER raced a half marathon, so any finish time is a PR.

So the disappointment in myself for lacking the confidence to go forth, that has created sleepless nights has passed. I am READY... to concentrate on more important things: the RACE OUTFIT!
What is holding you back from awesomeness???

12 comments:

TMB @ RACING WITH BABES said...

It's true. I am usually the one holding me back from awesomeness. I feel you on the friends thing. I tend not to "waste" time on friendships I don't see flourishing. Because of that I have a handful of awesome friends scattered across the country. I've tried to change that, but it always seems to backfire.

Give us some options for this race outfit. We'll get one selected!

misszippy said...

You know what? Don't be disappointed in yourself for opening yourself up to people. That's human nature and it's also something you need to keep doing. Yes, people will let you down at times, but if you didn't let anyone in, where would you be?

You're going to do great this weekend!

Terri said...

Boy do I ever understand putting up walls to avoid being hurt, having expectations that can drive people away and being your own worst critic!!! But what I am learning is that God uses these difficulties to make me stronger and more confident in Him. I have seen over and over His strength working through me in circumstances(races) I thought He could care-less about. It is all for His glory. I am thankful you are standing taller.

Now let us in on the outfit!

You are going to rock this 1/2! A piece of cake!

Pam said...

Count me in to the Very Few Friends club. I've been burned too many times, so I keep everyone at arm's length now.

Shellyrm ~ just a country runner said...

I understant where you are coming from in the friends come and go deparment. Trust is a hard thing to give so I have few close long term friends as well.

As I ran my 31 miles in the woods a frequent comment/question was asked, "Are you out here running alone?" Even with a some time crowded trail of runners it must have been apparent that I was running without a running partner. Do you want to know my answer? Because we never know when we are an instrument being placed in someone else's life by God, I said ...well, I don't have another runner's company today but I am not running alone. I'm running in prayer for...(who/whatever I was praying for at the point). Sometimes the conversation would deepen sometimes not. But I felt like I little gardener planting seeds. Oh they might have been small ones but I think maybe that's why I am alone in running, if I had a partner to run with I wouldn't have had those conversation. Maybe that's why I have limited friends. So I am always seeking one??
So glad you have allowed me into your life. I am inspired by the person you share with me.

XLMIC said...

I love your openness and honesty. Your half is going to go incredibly :)

Mimi said...

Great post! I know that I'm holding myself back in so many areas, but darn if I can put my finger on how to fix it.

Hugs & love,
Mimi

H Love said...

thanks for sharing your heart! i too love the blog community!

Terri said...

I hope your race is fantastic. I'm sorry you're struggling so much with everything and I really wish I could help. I don't tend to smother my friends mostly because I spread myself so thin that I rarely see them. Many of them just give up, because they think I don't want to spend time with them. The reality is I'm a workaholic and I need to spend more time with my friends for balance - I just feel guilty whenever I do.

L Finch said...

Congrats, you inspired a new blog post!!!! :P Stop by and check it out sometime.
I totally get what you're saying about friends... blah. Been there, done that.
Now, let us preview that race outfit!!!!

Richelle said...

You are going to be awesome this weekend! I hear you about the friends thing, too, but I'm often the one that drops the ball. That's why I have just a few close friends and lots of acquaintances.

The Happy Runner said...

You're going to have an awesome race! You've been running so well.

I get you on the friends thing. I get so disappointed, too, but I've been working hard to see things in a different light, cutting people much more slack, and it has helped.

Have a great race!