I've been working. I've been TRAINING (91. miles last week). Breathing... that seems to be harder.
2012 came fast. I thought I was ready. Ready to own GBA. Ready to rock a HIM. But... the enemy stepped in.
DOUBT!
Doubt hit me like a HUGE wave. I wasn't prepared. I didn't see if coming so I couldn't brace for it. I didn't have my foot planted firmly either.
I was tossed. I was twisted. I saw my future and it wasn't what I thought it would be. I saw failure. I saw defeat, even with my eyes closed.
Since I didn't see it coming, I didn't take a deep breath. Breathing is ESSENTIAL for life.
Thankfully, a friend noticed. She threw me a life jacket. She helped me to the surface. She resuscitated me. Her breath filled my lungs and she taught me how to breathe again.
It was temporary because what she couldn't do is help me see when DOUBT was creeping in. So after a few days, it crept in again. This time it was more stealth. It was slow... like poison... lurking and slowing approached unnoticed. Then BAM! Down for the count. This time... it was worst.
But....
My gym puts out a little magazine and in their January issue, had an article about those Gremlin voices. No, I'm not crazy. Everyone has them... usually they can be labeled under 7 titles: worry, envy, fear, criticism, anger, blame, SHAME... and I was like... yes, yeS, yES, YES! This is ME!
Step One: to get rid of them... or to silence them... is to acknowledge them. CHECK!
Step Two: Affirm myself. Maybe it is in front of the mirror. Maybe it is through writing. This helps me to reprogram my subconscious. (Note... it is to affirm MYSELF. NOT look for affirmations from others... and for me, it meant I had to acknowledge that I am an approval addict.)
Step Three: Get quiet. Meditate... visualize the affirmations above. See myself meeting my goals... not just barely... but confidently. With strength. BY MYSELF!
Step Four: Identify where my problems are. Break the cycle. If I can identify where the cycle begins, WRITE IT DOWN - this makes it easier to identify in the future.
Step Five: Be a risk-taker. Know that by taking risks... I will be uncomfortable. Anxious. Worried. KNOW that those voices will creep in.
Am I cured? NO. Am I feeling better? Slightly. Will I be struggling with this ... of course.
But I KNOW... I am worth the STRUGGLE. I am WORTHY, God made me so... God cares about my heart... and in my heart... I KNOW!
3 comments:
I'm so sorry to read that you are having so much trouble! It's amazing how I see you as such a confident person...I guess that reminds me that everyone is susceptable to the worry. You are worthy! praying confidence returns for you. hugs
I love you Pixie.
You know where I am. Here, any time you need me. And if you're feeling insane in the membrane again, maybe a little field trip is in order....
You are worthy. You are worth it.
Wow. Doubt and self-depreciation seems to be a recurring theme among the OBVIOUSLY AWESOME these days.
And by "obviously awesome" I mean YOU! :P
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